on second thought that'd be deeply insulting here's why: as much as i disavow capitalism it still goddamn hurts to be left out of it. what, my content isn't worthy of charging low-income families? i'm not relaying enough liberal propaganda for you to filter it out? take this:
which i think is true and is often overlooked. it's the reason joseph gordon-levitt or seth rogen isn't believable in a civil war film (ok, it's one of many). aside from clothes & styles & photo-posing-protocol, people looked different back in the day. even in the 50s: check out robert mitchum. now go outside and find someone with the same trianglehead* as that motherfucker. that's right. no one.
i have a few theories, each backed by dutiful medical research:
a.) puberty (which affects facial structure) has been happening earlier and earlier
b.) dentistry (which can dramatically alter your jawline and the way you hold your mouth) and orthodontics as a field of study went through its own puberty in the 20th century and skyrocketed in practice and how we understand the importance of our teeth.**
people have different illnesses now, you see? all except for me. i've got the same shit my shtetl ass ancestors have been dealing with. the running list is embarrassing. all my ailments fit squarely into the "decrepit elderly jew" genre of ailments in that all are inconvenient enough for me to righteously kvetch about but none are legitimately debilitating enough for me to actually wax poetic about / receive the sympathy of others / dedicate this much blog post to. but yeah. i got damn vertigo. it almost made me fall over like a loser while doing zumba in gym today. how's that for a upper middle class liberal jewish anecdote?
*the part in They Might Be Giants' "Particle Man" about the "Triangle Man" is about robert mitchum!! this is true
**i remember the first time i saw the 2005 Tim Burton masterpiece Charlie and the Chocolate Factory with the whole headgear extravaganza. my sibling was on their way to get braces. i thought, "does this mean we get to have esteemed actor Christopher Lee as our father, too?" just kidding, i didn't think that. i was 5 and only understood Johnny Depp as a celebrity.
