it's been wild here at college. 2 times now since arriving, i’ve had the experience being in the bathroom and hearing someone in a neighboring stall have audibly awful diarrhea. just really troubling sounds. i heard a girl just emptying her body. grim, and even worse when we found, to our mutual horror, that we were exiting the stalls simultaneously, washing our hands together, side by side, trying desperately to avoid eye contact. these images of each other, synchronized over the sinks, are so potent with shame and this accidental intimacy that despite our best efforts we’ve been burned into each others consciousnesses. it gets worse though, because i’ve run into this girl since, and it is overwhelmingly clear that this experience has established a power dynamic in which, because of the social leverage of having had a fine digestive system that day, i hold some fundamental authority over her. she is suspended in a nightmarish chamber of physical & emotional vulnerability that is unwillingly in my domain. this reached its peak last night in the met while i was making my way towards a table, and she stumbled and frantically moved out of my way, as if i were about to bully her, or make some public declaration about her colon. she’s scared of me now because she knows i’ve heard her do something awful.
it reminds me of the non-gastrointestinal ways trajectories of relationships are determined by arbitrary circumstance. think about your relationship with either your older sibling's friends or your friend's older siblings. there is a mutual understanding that you are innately less cool. they’ll tell you, "No Shit Sherlock,” which is such a fucked up thing to say, unquestionably the 3 most devastating words to hear from someone who you think is cool (they cut to the core of your greatest fear: that your attempts at meaningful contribution are failed, that your presence is useless). even when someone who you dont think is cool says it.
there are upsettingly gastronomical (tho not gastrointestinal) implications to this. this article outlines the globalization of residents of four rural guatemalan towns and the way they negotiate (& are subsequently manipulated by) mining monopoly men.  these hi-stakes environmental choices can trace back to the initial interactions these two parties have. shifty motherfuckers who dont knwo the lay of the land.

The uncertainty of self-efficacy also leads to questioning the authority,  of mining. This contrasts with the blanket trust extended by lowefficacy individuals. details of meetings between community leaders and mining technicians about wastewater retention exemplified this aspect of mistrust. They promised that the poisonous water would be retained with cement. But we responded that in the rainy season everything fills up with water. Huge rushes of water come down from Cerro Blanco. So how will that water not spill out? We contradicted them because we know this land.

 do you know life exists here in providence and has done been doing this? it's been doing fine without me. if you never moved homes as a child, college is the first time you understand that the tree still does make a noise when it falls, even if you cant hear it. you are for the first time in a place that is not yours, that you cannot hold any claim to, that has no space for you yet.

vidoes with perfect rhythm that even sync up at times.